i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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