Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
