Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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