We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
