She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
