I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
