So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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