How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Even my vagina gasped.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
