i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
