Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
