my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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