There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It was like giving head to a cactus.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
