i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
