I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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