I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
