My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
