my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
