is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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