That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We're too hungover to prance.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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