tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Pooping to opera.
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