his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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