Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
