I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
