Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
