if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
