were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
one might say we're banned from that church
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
