i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
