I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
