There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
