i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
