On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
