this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
