and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
