So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
