mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
