Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
