Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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