That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
