Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
