Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
