my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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