If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
