Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
