i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
