i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
