I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
