96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
