I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
