sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
