she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
