I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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