we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
