I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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