omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
