I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Who died my cat blue again?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
