She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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