I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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