Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
PANTIES FOUND
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
