I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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